Once upon a time, my oldest child was very upset with me because she wanted me to buy her something at the store. Prior to us going to the store, I told her that our mission for the shopping trip was to get her dad, my husband, a gift. During this discussion she assured me she understood that she would not be getting anything, and I had her repeat it back to me out loud.
Silly of me to believe the word of a 3-year-old (she is almost ten now). I also underestimated the size of the appeal of the helium balloon that my daughter wanted. From the moment she saw this balloon to the point of when we went to the car, she inquired about it relentlessly. I worked hard to remain calm and repeated the phrase “maybe” every time she asked because “remember what we talked about” was not working. My savvy 3-year-old finally understood there was not going to be any balloon for her when I placed her in her car seat. And that was when the real trouble began.
My usually sweet, calm, giggly 3-year-old transformed into an angry, ravenous toddler. Think of Jack-Jack from Incredibles. She yelled at me and said for the first time “I hate you.” I continued to hold it together even though my heart was hurting at her words, but what threw me over the edge was when she started peeling off her seatbelt and climbing out of her car seat while I was driving out of the store parking lot. It was at this exact moment, ladies and gentlemen, that I lost it. I pulled over, yelled and screamed which resulted in my child screaming more which resulted in me screaming to outdo her. This was a low point. Eventually all parties involved calmed down, had a discussion about what happened, and we moved on. My emotions got the best of me. At the point my daughter was taking off her seatbelt I imagined a horrendous scene of a car accident filled with broken bones, blood and pain. My fear got the best of me. I wasn’t thrilled with my daughter’s behavior; however, she was just doing what 3-year-olds do, be mad when you tell them no. As the adult and her parent, my role is to manage my own emotions and thoughts so I can best support her in her development. Which is a lovely segway into our first unspoken parenting skill, emotional regulation.
When we are thinking about the skills needed to be an effective parent, emotional regulation is foundational. It is the concrete slab of the building that is our skyscraper of parenting. Being able to regulate your emotions allows you to access all of the other skills needed to parent and support your child’s development and growth.
What is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is one’s knowledge and practice of how they influence (or manage) their emotional state. It’s the ability to notice what is going on for you emotionally and knowing what you need to do to self-soothe. Ideally, the way a person chooses to self-sooth is with productive and healthy behaviors. I stumbled upon this Tik Tok video of a wonderful example of emotional regulation, check it out below:
As you have seen in the video a woman is on a game show. She starts off yelling and upset saying “Are you kidding me?!!! That’s unfair. She made those…” at this point she pauses and her whole demeanor changes, her body language changes and says “I need to calm down. Everything is fine. I’m an adult” In all honesty its hilarious! Sometimes we can manage ourselves in the moment seamlessly. Then there are times where we have the big reaction and we need to pause, notice what we are feeling and see if our reaction matches the situation.
As parents we are also teachers, we are teaching our children how to be adults one day. Part of our job is to teach them how to move and function through the world successfully. Being able to manage your emotions as a parent is key, largely because we are helping tiny humans learn how to manage their own emotions. Being able to demonstrate our ability to stay emotionally regulated is important. To be able to role model this skill for our children as well as also teach them how to do it themselves. And if I’m being honest parenting is one of the most emotionally taxing experiences at times, not all the time, but a lot of times. So it’s really important that in those moments where your baby just spit up all over your shirt for the third time in a row or your kid is having a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store or your teenager is just being a major butt all of these situations require you to stay emotionally regulated. That’s not to say that once you are back by yourself, you can let a few expletives drop, kidding. But ultimately your ability to stay emotionally regulated will not only demonstrate the skills your child needs to develop. It will also allow you to have a clear head to be able to problem solve and rationally handle whatever situation you were about to face.
So how do we learn to emotionally regulate our emotions. How do we learn or practice emotional regulation? Well for starters, I should probably ask you how aware are you of your emotional state? Do you know when you’re angry? Do you know when you’re frustrated? Do you know when you’re overwhelmed, or does it feel like emotions just hit you out of nowhere and all of a sudden, you’re caught in the middle of an emotional tornado. One of the first things to start practicing is being able to notice where you feel your feelings in your body. Once that’s established being able to label what the emotion actually is sometimes you could be thinking that you’re super frustrated and pissed but really, you’re hungry.
After we’ve noticed what’s going on in our body and labeling the emotion it’s important that where you’re able to use a tool or strategy to manage that emotion in the moment. For example, if we go back to the linked video, the woman was yelling and frustrated about whatever game that they were playing she recognized this. She had a big reaction (maybe not using a helpful tool to self-sooth) which didn’t necessarily match the situation accordingly, so she shifted. Shifting could be as simple as having the thought “Oh let me take it down a notch”, it could also be taking a break, taking deep breaths or doing an activity that you find soothing. It could be reading, drawing, painting or going for a walk. It’s always OK to use a tool to manage emotions, especially as a parent. A lot of times I think we are under the impression that if I were taking a minute and pause or take a deep breath or walk away, then one “my child wins”. The goal is to stay or get regulated and once you’re regulated, and you have a level head on, then you get in problem solve mode. When we struggle to effectively parent when we are not emotionally regulated it makes it really hard and has the potential of hurting our relationships with our children. This could look like taking our emotions out on our children and making our children feel as if they are in charge of managing our (the adult’s) emotions for us. We would be demonstrating that we should not be managing ourselves, that the people around them are responsible for keeping them emotionally regulated. It could also create the mindset that the world happens to us instead of thinking we can influence the world diminishing feelings of autonomy, self-control and self-confidence.
We want to raise kids who are emotionally aware, who can sit with uncomfortable feelings and use tools to regulate themselves. When we are able to emotionally regulate it is a foundation of self-trust and being able to preserve through challenging tasks or situations because you are in control of yourself. Raising our children to be emotionally intelligent adults starts with us demonstrating how to be an emotionally intelligent adult.
I know you just read through this whole article. Your brain may be throbbing right now. So here are the main take aways, to carry with you and incorporate when with you child:
-Emotional regulation is one’s knowledge and practice of how they influence (or manage) their emotional state. It’s the ability to notice what is going on for you emotionally and knowing what you need to do to self-soothe.
-Being able to demonstrate our ability to stay emotionally regulated is important. To be able to role model this skill for our children as well as also teach them how to do it themselves.
-The goal is to stay or get regulated and once you’re regulated, and you have a level head on, then you get in problem solve mode. When we struggle to effectively parent when we are not emotionally regulated it makes it really hard and has the potential of hurting our relationships with our children.
-We teach our children how to emotionally regulate by practicing skills and using tools to stay emotionally regulated.
I appreciate you taking the time to read this post, as I’m just trying to offer a few words of wisdom in a complex world. I hope you found it helpful or maybe you are already doing all of what I suggested, and it just feels good to feel affirmed. Parenting is hard and I am here to help. I offer parenting support services to help you in this journey called parenthood. I also provide individual therapy as well! If you would like to set up a time to chat my contact information is below.
Jennifer Bailey, LCSW & RDT
jbaileytherapyservices@gmail.com
Schedule a session with me through Grow Therapy
jbaileytherapyservices@gmail.com 
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