As a therapist it is not uncommon for someone to ask me if I have recommendations for resources to provide more insight or perspective on a given topic. In this case when I refer to the word resource, I mean books. I decided it might be helpful to do this next series on a variety of books regarding a variation of topics. I will provide an overview of the book. I’m also going to discuss how a given resource could be helpful to clinicians and non-clinicians. All of the resources that I will cover in this, and future posts are ones I read of my own volition. I am not receiving any form of compensation from the authors nor their publishing companies.

A lot of times it is perceived that having a fight with a friend, a loved one, or your children is something that needs to be avoided at all costs. We are human beings we all differ in perspective and experience which make conflict inevitable. Conflict is a common occurrence in relationships. The thought of conflict in romantic relationships makes many nervous, simply because the thought is if you fight too much in a relationship then it’s not a good match. Resulting in the avoidance of discussing important topics in relationships due to fear of a fight, which is not a helpful strategy if you would like to have a successful relationship. The resource Fight Right by Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman. The Gottman’s are known for their work in couples therapy, which they have been doing it for decades.  In this resource the Gottmans’ provide insight that conflict is not necessarily the terrifying monster it seems, if you know how to “fight right”. The Gottman’s help the reader shift their perspective on conflict in romantic relationships. We try to avoid it because it doesn’t feel good when we are in conflict, however if we can sit with the discomfort, that is we know we are going to get into arguments and we fight well we fight right, then we set ourselves up for the opportunity for our relationships to get deeper and more meaningful as opposed to holding in the frustrations and annoyances that happen in relationships.

This book is organized in sections part one is focused on the research that the Gottmans’ have with understanding what things couples do to stay together or break up. Their research gives the reader an understanding of different types of fighting style2. They have been able to refine this to the point that they have specific categories and descriptions of the categories. This provides the reader the ability to get an understanding of what category they may fall into and the way that they communicate with your partner, which is located in part two of the book. Part two goes into the types of fights all couples have. The authors use case examples to describe each type of category. It allows for a real-life perspective and in-depth example.

The book’s conclusion covers how the couples in the case studies go from a couple having unfair fights to fair fights, providing strategies that helped these couples listen to each to each other (reflective listening).  The Gottmans’ discuss strategies for how to start a fight and resolve it. The authors also discuss that there are some fights have solutions, but some fights do not. These fights are best described as fights that are based off our personality differences. For example, let’s say one person gets energy by being social and going out, and the other gets energy from being at home. Going out or staying in may always be a consistent fight that this couple consistently has because it is a personality difference. This concept is helpful for the reader because we are attracted to our partner for one reason or another usually it’s because they are different from us, and we find that refreshing. And with time, the things we once found refreshing about our partner turns into an annoyance. The Gottman’s helps the reader with understanding that instead of thinking they must change this annoying quality about my partner, it’s just something that we know about them, and we have the tools needed to navigate it, to be able to Fight Right.

Benefits for the non-clinician

For those who are non-clinicians, if you are curious about your fighting style as a couple this is a helpful and insightful read. If you need help or support, if you wanting to maintain your relationship or if you don’t know where to start with making your marriage or relationship better, this resource is a good place to start.  The section about the Gottman’s couples research could potentially feel like a lot, however it could be useful for the non-clinician to understand the level of expertise the Gottman’s have.

Benefits for the clinician

Those of you who are clinicians may have heard of the Gottmans’. For clinicians this book could be a helpful resource to provide clients. The strategies the Gottmans shared in the book could also be generalized to different groups/populations. Personally, what I found helpful about the book was that the aspect of how to fight fair is not only for couples but could also be used in family therapy, parent-child relationships, friends or even co-workers. As mentioned early the book discusses the use of reflective listening. If you read my previous post about, You’re not listening written by Kate Murphy (Resource Review: You’re Not Listening). Gottman’s book Fight Right can be a nice way to pick up where that book has left off. The Gottmans’ also provide a lot of other resources they have to help and support couples including other books, websites and apps. The authors allow the reader to be able to sit with the fact that arguments are not bad it’s how we handle them. Essentially that is also what we say about emotions. Emotions are not a bad thing, we just have to be able to learn to manage them. And how refreshing and empowering would it be if we thought of conflict in the same way.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this post, as I’m just trying to offer a few words of wisdom in a complex world. I hope you found it helpful. Life is hard and I am here to help. I offer individual, family, parent support and clinical supervision services to help your life journey. If you would like to set up a time to chat my contact information is below.

Jennifer Bailey, LCSW & RDT

jbaileytherapyservices@gmail.com

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