It’s not uncommon for us, as humans, to think that when others are better at us at something we view it as a deficit within ourselves. Perhaps we lost the race, we must not be fast enough. We got a B on the test when someone else got an A, we must not be smart enough. When it comes to parenting it’s no different…well maybe it’s a little different. It might look a little something like this, my kid is struggling to read, well I’m failing as a parent. When teaching a tiny human to learn the skills of a big human, having a growth mindset is key.

In an earlier blog post, I wrote about the importance of a growth mindset, specifically how it’s a crucial component to our children’s development and overall functioning (here is the link to that post if you’re interested (Coming from a place of growth: Understanding growth mindset). But this series is about parenting skills so I’d like to take some time to discuss why, as a parent, having a growth mindset is a needed skill. But before we get into that let’s review what a growth mindset is.

What it is?

Has your child ever been disappointed that they didn’t get the hang of a new thing they were attempting on the first try? Whether it is your kid trying to ride a bike, dive off a diving board, or draw a car. I imagine when they come to you in distress your response could be “Well keep practicing and you will get it.”. In that comment, you are encouraging your child to have a growth mindset.

To have a growth mindset means to look at challenges as learning opportunities. That one’s abilities are developed with practice, and that effort plays a role in one’s ability to build skills. As parents, we want to help our children grow into capable adults. Adults who know how to ask for help, who can perspective take, and adults who know how to think. We also want to help our children be able to have a mindset that will allow them to tolerate and overcome life’s challenges.  So how does this work in regards to parenting?

As parents, we are learning and building skills. Skills like creating and keeping a routine for our family, setting limits/boundaries with our children, and making sure we drink enough water. Yes, drinking water as a parent is in fact a skill. How the growth mindset comes into play is we aren’t good at these things right away. They take time and practice. Let’s say for example that you want to make sure your kids are brushing their teeth twice a day. Great choice, gotta fight those cavities! Let’s say you use some executive functioning (EF) skills and make a plan that kids will brush in the morning after breakfast and in the evening before bedtime. Let’s say the first few nights you’re not consistent. Perhaps you forgot or your kid had a fit and you spent the evening calming your kiddo down for a smooth bedtime. A growth mindset would allow you to look at this situation and figure out what worked and what didn’t.

Need another example? I got you. This year for spring break, our family had a staycation. We took the kids to various activities that were close to home. So one of the days was pottery painting. I do arts and crafts with my kids all the time. I daydreamed about how awesome pottery painting would be. So I took my three kiddos to the pottery place and they all chose the ceramic pieces that they wanted to paint. My middle and youngest kids were in a zone! However, when I looked at my oldest I saw her face drop and she no longer looked into the activity. It turns out she was not happy with how her mug was turning out. After many of my suggestions got turned down, she said she wanted to break it and start over. She didn’t break it, but I told her she could paint over her original work in a dark color and start over that way. She painted it all black and then wrote in red paint “I hate it”. I can laugh at this moment now. I am even impressed at my oldest child’s emotional expression.

At the moment, I was not happy. Even through all this, I had a growth mindset. I asked myself, after we got home from the pottery place, “What worked, what didn’t”. My oldest loves to draw, usually with pen and paper. She makes mistakes and has no problem erasing them, fixing them, and moving on. That’s hard to do with painting on a mug. If we go back next time, perhaps we could have brought a paper and pencil for her to practice drawing what she would put on her mug. It wasn’t that we chose the wrong activity, perhaps we chose a too-advanced ceramic piece. My oldest and I talked about it (deciding if she so chooses to do this activity again) that we would choose a figurine instead of a mug and work towards doing something like a mug or plate.

Why do I need it as a parent?

Having a growth mindset helps us remember that our skills/abilities as parents are not a fixed thing. If I am not good at being present with my kids, I can work toward improving that. Our abilities are like any other skill, if we want to see improvement we need to practice. Mistakes are learning opportunities, helping us understand what we can do next time.

Here are some ways to practice having a growth mindset:

And statements

Instead of using a “but” replace it with an “and”. By doing so you can practice holding two things in mind instead of negating one thing. “I like your shirt but the blue but is more flattering.” The “statement” version of this would be “I like your shirt and the blue one is more flattering”. Not sold let’s try another. “I know you worked hard on the project but you got a B-“ compared to “I know you worked hard on the project and you got a B-.” And statements allow others to hear our thoughts and perspectives without the other person getting defensive.

Adding yet

Adding “yet” to a negative comment can change our perspective on a challenge or problem we are trying to overcome. For example, let’s use the statement “I’m not good at budgeting.”  And throw in an “I’m not good at budgeting yet.”

Noticing what worked and what didn’t

After experiencing a challenge or problem it’s helpful to take a moment of reflection and assess what worked in the situation and what didn’t. Think of the example I gave with the pottery painting I did with my kids. After I was emotionally regulated I asked myself what in the situation worked and what didn’t. It was then I was able to come up with a strategy to make pottery painting more successful for my oldest next time.

Recognizing that mistakes are learning opportunities

Viewing mistakes as learning opportunities provides us the chance to build a better understanding of how we work, which is helpful when you are a parent. Realizing that you forgot the emergency pants in the diaper bag and thinking of a way to problem-solve that for next time creates a chance for you to build a skill. When we look at mistakes as a lack of capability or poor reflection of our character we open ourselves up to negative self-talk and if happens frequently enough a low sense of self. Taking the perspective that mistakes are learning opportunities allows us to practice self-reflection and self-compassion.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this post, as I’m just trying to offer a few words of wisdom in a complex world. I hope you found it helpful or maybe you are already doing all of what I suggested, and it just feels good to feel affirmed. Here are the takeaways:

• To have a growth mindset means to look at challenges as learning opportunities. That one’s abilities are developed with practice, and that effort plays a role in one’s ability to build skills. As parents, we want to help our children grow into capable adults. Adults who know how to ask for help, who can perspective take, and adults who know how to think.
• How the growth mindset comes into play is we aren’t good at parenting skills right away. They take time and practice.
• Ways to practice a Growth Mindset:
  • And Statements
  • Adding “yet” to sentences
  • Noticing what worked and what didn’t
  • Recognizing that mistakes are learning opportunities

Parenting is hard and I am here to help. I offer parenting support services to help you in this journey called parenthood. If you would like to set up a time to chat my contact information is below. I offer parenting support services to walk alongside you in this journey. If you’d like to set up a time to chat, my contact information is below.

Jennifer Bailey, LCSW & RDT

jbaileytherapyservices@gmail.com

Schedule a session with me through Grow Therapy

Schedule a session with me through Headway

Schedule a session through Sondermind