In July 2024, I embarked on a new experience that has opened my mind, podcasts. I know what you’re thinking, Jennifer, girl. You are extremely late to the party. Yes, I know. Because of my new found love of podcasts I have now turned into “that person”. You know the friend who says “Oh…So I was listening to this podcast”. I have also been known to send podcast episodes to the group chat. Now I bring all this up because…I was listening to this podcast Raising Good Humans with Aliza Pressman entitled “Interpersonal Curiosity, how it could bring us together” with guest Niobe Way. The intention of this article is not to recap this episode, although be on the lookout for a series Resource Review: Podcast edition, where I discuss various podcasts that can be used to individual or professional support. In this article I want to solely focus on interpersonal curiosity, what it is, how its crucial in our relationships and ways you can start practicing being interpersonally curious. However, I do want to add that you should listen to the previously mentioned podcast.  I thought the episode was insightful, engaging and informative.

Now that you have the backstory, let’s talk about what interpersonal curiosity means. Its definition is exactly how it sounds. Being curious to gain information, and ideally, understanding about other people. This includes learning about other’s experiences, thoughts, emotions and interests. At this point you may be doing that slow nod where you get what interpersonal curiosity means but still not quite sure how it could look in real life. Let’s set the scene. Let’s say you are a parent, and you have a kiddo that absolutely loves a certain video game. You don’t know too much about it, only viewing it a few times. However, in your minimal experience you deem it a waste of time. Let’s insert some interpersonal curiosity. Instead of writing it off as irrelevant, let’s ask our kiddo questions about the game. Questions like:

-How do you play?

-What’s the objective (how do you win)?

-What do you (your kiddo) like about this game?

-What makes the game fun for you (your kid)?

You are asking these questions to gain understanding about your kid and why this game is important to them. You are also learning more about your kid’s personality and interests. Because the better you understand your kid and how they think, the better you will be able to support their development.

Don’t have kids, let’s try this example. Let’s say your partner or person you are dating is very much into fishing. They spend a lot of time doing it and when they aren’t fishing, they get fishing equipment or read about fish or watch shows about fish. Let’s say you find fishing boring or gross or a mixture of the two. Instead of writing it off as an annoying activity your partner does, let’s be curious. What is it about this hobby that your partner finds enjoyable? Is this something they used to do with someone they were close to? Does fishing have a deeper meaning for them? You won’t know until you ask. If you were to be curious about your partner’s love of fishing you are increasing your understanding about your partner and the more you demonstrate curiosity into their interest, they will feel closer to you and you to them. When people take an interest in our interest it makes us feel valued.

When it comes to your kids, partner or friends it might be easy to demonstrate interpersonal curiosity. But what about being curious about that one co-worker who is super annoying or that one relative that has political views that you strongly disagree with. Yeah, interpersonal curiosity doesn’t seem like something you are too keen on engaging in when it comes to some people. So, let’s talk about those obstacles that could get in the way of us being curious about others.

Passing judgement

Passing judgement, it’s been the case since the dawn of man but has exponentially increased since the development of social media.  Think about a comment section on a social media post, people are quick to make judgements and name call and belittle. The goal is to gain understanding about the other person, how can we do that when we are choosing our judgements without listening to information or perspective from others? It’s not uncommon to make a snap judgement. What we need to do is be aware of our judgement and be curious as to why the other person could be thinking or acting in a certain way. When we lead with our judgement its harder to have a dialogue with the goal to understand, instead you end up with a debate with the sole intention of proving you are right. Which is a lovely segway into the next barrier of interpersonal curiosity.

Fear of being wrong

Human beings are creatures of habit, which in some cases can make change a difficult thing to obtain. Our desire to be right is another barrier that keeps us from interpersonal curiosity. Listening to another person’s perspective is information you gain, only you can control if it changes you or not. And if it changes your perspective that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. For example for a long time I avoided relish. I didn’t understand it, I thought it was gross. One day I tried it and enjoyed how much it elevated my bratwurst! Another example, Flan was something I had actively stayed away from, I tried it and for me, it confirmed why I stayed away from it, not a flan (Ha! See what I did there, its supposed to be fan). If we listen to another person’s perspective and change our mind, there is the concern that we will be viewed as weak. In fact, I believe the opposite, if adding information or perspective to your knowledge base changes your opinion then you are learning and developing as a person. And even after you listen to the perspective you still disagree, that’s ok too.

Assuming that listening to others means you agree with them

Our country has adopted the communication style of the person who yells the loudest is the one who gets the most attention. Because of this we are doing less listening and more talking over each other.  I did a quick internet search of the definition of listen, here is what I got:

• Give one’s attention to a sound
• Take notice of and act on what someone says, respond to advice or a request
• Make an effort to hear something; be alert and ready to hear something
• Used to urge someone to pay attention to what one is going to say

Before you say, “Jennifer I do this!” I want you to pause and think about the last conversation you had. Were you listening and commenting on what the other person said or were you waiting for your turn to speak to share your thoughts and opinions? In a previous post I mentioned the book “You’re Not Listening” (Resource Review: You’re Not Listening ). It’s a good book. Listening to someone else means you are giving someone the opportunity to share their thoughts or feelings. It’s not an assumption that you blindly agree with what they say. When you provide space for others to speak you are demonstrating to the other person that their voice can be heard and respected despite whether you agree with it or not.

Fear of the unknown or different

One of the aspects of being human is making your smartest guess of what would aid you in your survival. If we can know the outcome of something whether it be good or bad, we feel prepared and competent. The unknown, the unexpected, can generate feelings of unease and being exposed. People try really hard to avoid these feelings. So, when faced with something new or different, our walls go up as well as our skepticism. Now I’m not saying these things don’t service a purpose, I’m saying that we should be aware of when this happens to us. We should be asking ourselves what about this makes us uncomfortable?  We should also be asking others questions as well, gaining more information helps with the creation of objective and ideally well-rounded perspectives. Instead of saying to ourselves “I don’t know this so I don’t like it”, we should ask “What more information do I need to build my understanding around this topic?”

Being more curious in our interpersonal relationships have positive impact on a micro and macro level including:

• Building your skills in using theory of mind (I wrote a post on this a while back to learn more about theory of mind click the link-What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? )
• Building your skills in perspective taking
• Building your skills in demonstrating compassion and empathy for others
• Building closer relationships with others
• Creating social environments that promote listening, empathy and sharing perspectives kindly and respectfully.

To build your skills interpersonal curiosity you can listen to understand instead of waiting for your turn to talk. A great way to practice this is through reflective listening. When talking with others repeat back or summarize what the other person shared. You can also use metacognitive questions; these are questions that promote thinking. (I did a post on this a while back click the link to learn more about metacognitive questions-To think or not to think… that is the question. )

I know you just read through this whole article. Your brain may be throbbing right now. So here are the main take aways:

• The definition of interpersonal curiosity-Being curious to gain information, and ideally, understanding about other people. This includes learning about other’s experiences, thoughts, emotions and interests.
• Barriers that keep us from interpersonal curiosity
  • Passing judgement
  • Fear of being wrong or changing
  • Assuming listening to others means you agree with them
  • Fear of the unknown or different
• Benefits of interpersonal curiosity
  • Building your skills in using theory of mind
  • Building your skills in perspective taking
  • Building your skills in demonstrating compassion and empathy for others
  • Building closer relationships with others
  • Creating social environments that promote listening, empathy and sharing perspectives kindly and respectfully.
• How you can build skills in interpersonal curiosity
  • Use reflective listening
  • Use metacognitive questions

I appreciate you taking the time to read this post, as I’m just trying to offer a few words of wisdom in a complex world. I hope you found it helpful or maybe you are already doing all of what I suggested, and it just feels good to feel affirmed. Life is hard and I am here to help. I offer individual therapy services to help your life journey. If you would like to set up a time to chat my contact information is below.

Jennifer Bailey, LCSW, LISW-CP & RDT

jbaileytherapyservices@gmail.com

Schedule a session with me through Grow Therapy

Schedule a session with me through Headway

Schedule a session through Sondermind