“Who did you play with today at school?” is the usual question I ask my kids at the dinner table. At parent teacher conferences I ask my kids teachers “how do they get along with the other kids in the classroom?” Relationships are very important, which isn’t really surprising coming from a therapist. They are an important to our well being, personal development and self-concept. I can’t speak for all parents but I would guess that most want their children to have healthy, reciprocal and meaningful peer relationships. So why does that seem to fall to the wayside when we become parents?

I am blessed to have a group of friends who I have deemed as “my village”. I also understand that this may not be the case for everyone. When did it happen that we stopped establishing and engaging in peer relationships as parents? I’m going to answer my own question, kids take a lot of work and require a lot of time and attention. Which leaves us without the time and energy to pursue or engage in adult friendships. Between preparing kids for spirit week and needing to get the right themed outfit, to going to sports practices or recitals, my availability for adult friendships is very limited. And if I do find a Saturday that is miraculously unoccupied, I’m tired and I just want to have a “lazy” day.

Our friendships, ones that are healthy and reciprocal, provide benefits to our lives. Connection, perspective, laughter and feeling understood gives us energy and is a form of self-care. So, if you are starting to open up to the idea of adult relationships let’s talk about the obvious, how do I make friends as a parent?

If you are consistently reading my blog you know I tend to take the scenic route when I answer my own questions. So buckle up kids and enjoy the ride. I am going to get into ways to get out there and make some friends, but I would like you to take a moment and ask yourself two questions:

1. What do you look for or value in a friend?
2. What type of friend are you to others?

These two questions will act as a guide when getting to know someone. Knowing what you value in a friend will help you make the choice to identify if the other person has the qualities that you find important. Knowing the type of friend you are helps you (and the other person) construct a friendship that feels good to us. Its also not uncommon for what we value in a friendship is also what we bring to the friendship. I’m going to put this in an example to help shape our thinking around these two questions. Let’s say I met a fellow mom at a school event, let’s call her, Josephine. We make small talk we exchange numbers and on occasion text each other. For me, I value connection (either through text/call or in person interaction), reciprocity and laughter in my friendships. I am the type of friend who is working to balance my professional life, family life and being social. Because of those things I have to plan things in advances. I want to connect with my friend but I’m not in a place where I always have free Saturdays to just hang out all day and lounge around. Because I know these things about myself I can’t gauge the type of relationships I can have with Josephine. If she is cool with scheduling times to connect like going on a walk or hitting up a winery or going to see a movie, great. If Josephine enjoys receiving sending funny memes or TikTok’s (like me), wonderful. These two questions can be your guide if a peer relationship falls into the acquaintance category, friend or eventually bestie.

Ways to find these potential friends can vary. If your schedule and lifestyle allows engaging in an interactive hobby could be a way to make friends. And what I mean by that is something along the lines of hobbies or shared experiences that involve other people. Examples of this are:

• Recreation sports teams (baseball, softball, basketball, pickleball, etc.)
• Book Clubs
• Classes (dance, pottery, cooking, writing, etc.)

When navigating the world of friendship as a parent you should also consider the option of building friendships with other parents. Whether they are parents of kids who your kid(s) play with or if your kids ages are different. I recently listened to a podcast on this exact topic, Stoller Coaster with Lynn Smith episode “Our kids are friends, but do we have to be?” I enjoyed the episode and found it insightful of having peer relationships as parents. If you have 30 minutes give it a listen. Perhaps the next time you are at a school event or play group you will share it with another parent and maybe its would be the start of a potential friendship.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this post, as I’m just trying to offer a few words of wisdom in a complex world. I hope you found it helpful or maybe you are already doing all of what I suggested, and it just feels good to feel affirmed. Life is hard and I am here to help. If you would like to set up a time to chat my contact information is below.

Jennifer Bailey, LCSW & RDT

jbaileytherapyservices@gmail.com

Schedule a session with me through Grow Therapy

Schedule a session with me through HeadwaySchedule a session through SonderMind