What about the parents?
Once upon a time I did a series about self-care. The first post in that series was an overview of self-care and what that means (Put on your oxygen mask first). It was followed by a series of shorter posts, specific examples of different forms of self-care, emotional (Permission to feel your feelings, Granted: Emotional Self-Care), physical (Taking care of your body: Physical self-care ), spiritual (Something larger than myself: Spiritual self-care ), psychological (Psychological self-care: Finding clarity and peace for your mind), relational (Go viral with your relationships: Relational self-care) and practical (Adulting, the boring side of self-care: Practical self-care). There is another area of self-care that I didn’t mention in the previous self-care series, parental self-care.
When we think about parental self-care, it means finding that balance between your role as a parent and your role as a human. Parenting is really hard. When I say parental self-care, I mean taking the time you need as a parent so that your energy, stability and your ability to parent the way you want to, is replenished enough so that you can be the parent you want to be.
I think about my life before I had children. Back then, I thought the idea of having a kid was having a mini version of myself or of my husband was so cool. They would be cute, and we’d wear matching outfits. The idea sounded amazing and heartwarming. What I learned after having and currently raising my three kids is parenting is a very humbling experience. And sometimes it’s the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. None of this means that I don’t enjoy being a mother, I very much do. And it’s one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever had. Mind you I am a therapist, and I have experience working with people who are in crisis.
What type of parent do you want to be?
Before we get into the types of things you can do for parental self-care, lets first dive into the idea of the type of parent you want to be. That’s a challenging piece because everyone says “I want to be a good parent” however, the definition of a good parent is different from person to person. It’s based off your experience parenting kids and how you were parented (by your parents or caregiver). I like to strive to be the type of parent who is raising individuals who are able to take care of themselves, be a contributing member of society. I want to be the type of parent that raise children to have common sense, and they are emotionally intelligent. By emotionally intelligent I mean they can notice, label and talk about their emotional experience. That my children can empathize and recognize emotions in others. They can have healthy, meaningful and reciprocal relationships. I want to be the type of parent that fosters all of this. I would imagine a lot of people want to be that type of parent or have components of what I shared that they agree with.
Here’s the challenge, the type of parent that I want to be and the type of parent I end up being, can at times, be wildly different. What I have noticed about myself specifically is when there is a gap between how I want to parent and how I show up. If I am showing up in a way that is not helpful or doesn’t align with how I want to parent, it’s probably because I’m stressed, I feel overworked, or I feel depleted. It’s imperative to have a clear picture of the type of parent you want to be, because it will provide us a picture of how we want to parent our child(ren). Maybe you don’t know, and you can’t label the qualities of the type of parent you want to be. Let me help with that, think about an example of a tv parent or movie parent or parent from a book. Or maybe you were blessed enough to have a real person to role model you’re parenting after. Having your desirable parenting style identified helps you have an expectation or hope for yourself in your day to day. Its like setting an intention or a goal for yourself. Make sure you are choosing a realistic example or attainable qualities. If you choose an example of parenting where the individual does everything right, never making mistakes and always knows what to do or say, we are setting ourselves up for failure because no one is perfect.
I want to be the type of parent that if my kids are playing, I want to play to and engage. If you can find the joy in parenting, it’s a good place to start. Sometimes it’s hard to find joy because your kid just threw up in the back seat of the car and you still have 15 min before you get home. Perhaps you may need to get groceries after a long day at work and when you get home, all you hear from your kid is how you’re a horrible mommy or daddy. There are many things that contribute to us losing energy and losing our bandwidth to be the type of parents we want to be. If we are not able to engage in parental self-care, it’s easy to spiral into negativity and get burnt out as a parent. Parenting is one of those jobs that you can’t quit. I can’t quit my kids and try to find new kids to replace them. If we don’t have a consistent regimen to engage and protect ourselves from burnout, as parents, we can damage out relationships with our children which is something no parent wants.
Getting your mind right & Making time for self-care
When we think about reaching our parental burnout, we have to be aware of our thoughts. If I’m having negative thoughts about my kids (on a consistent basis), that a warning sign we may be reaching our limit. Sometimes the way to counter these feelings is to take a deep breath or taking 5 minutes to yourself to regroup. Parental self-care are tasks we can do to help us replenish so we are able to get back to our parenting (ideally parenting in the way that we want to). There are different forms of parental self-care. What activities or tasks allow you to replenish your energy? Do you have hobbies that allow you to center yourself? What time of day are you able to carve out for yourself to participate in some self-care? I know you may be thinking, but Jennifer I don’t have time for that. Well, hold on a minute. Let’s take a look at bedtime. I imagine many of you parents look forward to bedtime, I know I do. When my kids are fast asleep that is when I am able to tap into a consistent practice of parental self-care. Use that time to do something small for yourself. No, I don’t me zombie scrolling on your phone. Use that time to read a book you enjoy or what a show or movie. I like to engage in my nighttime facial regimen. The choice is yours on what you do with that time and whatever you choose, make sure it rejuvenates you.
Need another example? You can use your commute. On your ride home from work or on your way to pick up kids from school or other extra-curricular activities use that time for self-care listen to a soothing playlist or a playlist that given you energy. You can throw on an audiobook or podcast. When it comes to self-care size doesn’t matter (by this I mean the amount of time) going to the bathroom alone is self-care!
What something a little longer than bedtime or your commute? Previously I mentioned the “momcation”. This means me getting together with my close friends. Sometimes this looks like going on a walk for a few hours with a friend. Other times it looks like my friends, and I are planning a trip to spend a few days away. I experience rejuvenation when I get to shift from having to take care of other people to only focusing on taking care of yourself. Once upon a time, I would feel guilty about going on these momcations. I would say to myself “I’m a terrible mom, why am I leaving my kids”. It took a lot of time and changing my perspective that to be the type of mom that I want to be, I need to take time for myself. After, I’m recharged and feel I’m in a better mindset to parent in a way that aligns with the type of parent I want to be.
When it comes down to it parenting is hard. We are helping tiny humans learn to be adults. We need to stop viewing self-care as us being “selfish” or “that we don’t love our family”. We should shift our thinking to something along the lines of “we are showing our children and teaching by example, how to take care of yourself so that you are more capable to take care of others”.
I appreciate you taking the time to read this post, as I’m just trying to offer a few words of wisdom in a complex world. I hope you found it helpful or maybe you are already doing all of what I suggested, and it just feels good to feel affirmed. Parenting is hard and I am here to help. I offer individual therapy and parent coaching to help you in your journey. If you would like to set up a time to chat my contact information is below.
Jennifer Bailey, LCSW & RDT
jbaileytherapyservices@gmail.com
Schedule a session with me through Grow Therapy
jbaileytherapyservices@gmail.com 
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