As a therapist it is not uncommon for someone to ask me if I have recommendations for resources to provide more insight or perspective on a given topic. In this case when I refer to the word resource I mean books. I decided it might be helpful to do this next series on a variety of books regarding a variation of topics. I will provide an overview of the book. I’m also going to discuss how a given resource could be helpful to clinicians and non-clinicians. All of the resources that I will cover in this, and future posts are ones I read of my own volition. I am not receiving any form of compensation from the authors nor their publishing companies.

One of my goals in life is to be a good parent. It could be easy that because I am a therapist, helping kids, teens and adults manage their daily life, this ability would naturally bleed into my personal life. It’s not uncommon for the parents I work with make comments like “You must be the best Mom.” Or “I bet your kids are so well behaved.” I tell them what I am going to tell you, I’m a work in progress. There are days where I feel like I am crushing it as a parent. I slow down, I regulate myself and engage effectively with my kids so that we experience a teachable moment. And then there are days where I fall short. Sometimes after a day filled with sessions and meetings I feel depleted because I give and listen to other people, doing my best to support them. I then come home to my children who I have to give more to and continue to provide support. In moments like these I too can be short tempered and engage in a negative mindset. Thoughts like “why are they doing this to me?” or “Clearly I have failed as a Mom.” Invade my brain. I share all of this with you because even for me, someone who works with kids, parents and families as a whole, parenting my own children has moments of difficulty. So I thought it only fitting that in my resource review series to add a parenting book.

Good Inside is a book by Dr. Becky, a psychologist who does parent coaching. Good Inside starts off with a radical idea, that inside you is a good parent even despite the mistakes you’ve made as a parent in the past. She also suggests that your child is good inside as well. That their tantrums, back talk and other behaviors don’t make them a bad kid (nor you a bad parent). The suggestion to think of our children as “a good kid having a hard time” allows us as parents to shift our thinking, shifting us from “why are they doing this to me” to “how to I help my child”. This books helps parents be an authority figure while maintaining positive relationships with their child. Dr. Becky encourages the idea of unconditional positive regard by holding in mind the inner goodness of our child, we ask parents can approach challenging child behaviors with curiosity, helping us identify the why behind the bad behavior.

In a previous blog post I spoke about attuning with your child, and how we do this through co-regulation. Meaning that as the adult we have to manage our emotions before we help our child (Harmonize with your Child). This concept is also discussed in Good Inside, that parental emotional regulation is key. That in order to best teach our children how to manage their emotions, we, the parents, have to manage our own emotions. After all we are the role models for our kids.

Good Inside provides scripts (things to say) and tools (strategies to use with your child) to maintain a relationship with your child while holding boundaries to help them grow into emotionally healthy and capable adults. Some of the tools include metacognitive questions, questions that help foster critical thinking skills in our children. This was another topic of a previous blog post (To think or not to think… that is the question.). Another strategy, preloading which is building skills in flexibility and being able to manage the unexpected was mentioned in the book as well. And if you have been reading my blog regularly you know this was also a topic, I discussed in a previous blog post as well (Cookies & Milk).

The basis of Good Inside is not being a passive parent or a doormat but reframing our children’s negative behavior that will allow parents to support children in being able to self-regulate while maintaining connection which facilitates a positive relationship.

Benefits for non-clinicians

Parenting is hard. We are having to teach a tiny being to be a human, and it is something that can’t be all taught at once because kids have to learn how to do everything. And quite honestly we as adults forget this idea sometimes. If we want to raise kind, empathetic human beings who are critical thinkers and can manage discomfort and their emotions, we as parents have to teach them how to do it. This book could be a useful resource for helping us to help our children to manage their emotions, upholding limits while reminding us to grant ourselves some grace because again, parenting is hard.

Benefits for clinicians

For clinicians or mental health professionals who work with families or parents, Good Inside is helpful in how to help parents uphold their role as the adult and limit setter. Parents have the job of teaching their kids how to emotionally regulate, components of this is establishing and maintaining boundaries, demonstrating empathy and validation. If you are working with parents you are teaching them how to do this so the parents can then teach these skills to their kids. Whether you use this book as a way to help parents or recommend it to your parent clients to read it, this resource is helpful.

As a parent and therapist I found the book helpful. I experienced validation on the things the book suggests that I do with my own children and appreciated the concepts that were new to me. As a parent (and as therapist) it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking we have to have all the answers. It’s important to remember asking for help, or going to a book for help or clarity, is not a bad thing, it doesn’t make you any less capable.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this post, as I’m just trying to offer a few words of wisdom in a complex world. I hope you found it helpful. Parenting is hard and I am here to help. I offer parenting support services to help you in this journey called parenthood. If you would like to set up a time to chat, my contact information is below.

Jennifer Bailey, LCSW & RDT

jbaileytherapyservices@gmail.com

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