I want you to think of your favorite ice cream flavor. Got it? Good. Now my favorite is chocolate chip cookie dough. Now if by some chance your favorite ice cream is also chocolate chip cookie dough, awesome! We have something in common and perhaps we can form a chocolate chip cookie dough coalition. For those of you who chose a different ice cream, how did you feel when you learned my favorite ice cream flavor didn’t match yours. Do you feel the urge to spend time telling me how my ice cream choice is wrong and that your choice is better? Did you want to give me a list of reasons why that is that case? Would you stop coming to my website to check out my blog because my favorite ice cream flavor is different than yours? I know I’m over the top; drama therapist remember. I doubt that you even care that I like a different ice cream flavor. When I asked you to think of your favorite ice cream flavor, your brain went back in time to a situation where you ate ice cream, not just any ice cream but the ice cream you found most enjoyable. There was something about that experience that helped you make the decision of which ice cream flavor is your favorite. Then when you learned what flavor I liked, your brain recognized the difference, and in that moment it could hold two thoughts simultaneously. Thought #1 being your favorite ice cream and thought #2 being that Jennifer Bailey likes chocolate chip cookie dough. Now if you were able to hold these two thoughts in mind and were able to just sit with the fact that my favorite ice cream is different than yours, you my friend are participating in theory of mind.

Remember when we learned about the word metacognition? (If not this is the point where you make a mental note to read that post, it’s a good one if I do say so myself). Metacognition is a developing awareness and understanding of all there is to think about at any given time. It’s the ability to think about your own thinking. Theory of mind is an extension of metacognition where the individual is able to hold in mind that another person has their own thoughts, emotions, intentions, and belief systems. A major component of theory of mind is that others may have thoughts and feelings that are sometimes different from my own and other times the thoughts and feelings may be similar to mine. Being able to sit with that someone has a different favorite ice cream flavor than you isn’t too emotionally charged, making being able to participate in theory of mind fairly easy. However if the topic changes to, favorite professional sports team, favorite style of music, political party affiliation or religion, theory of mind gets harder for the brain to utilize. I imagine that at just the mention of some of those topics your heart rate might have sped up a bit or maybe your palms got sweaty.

Part of our ability to participate in theory of mind successfully and productively is that we are able to stay emotionally regulated while sitting with the discomfort of someone else’s experiences, beliefs or emotions being different from our own. Jennifer Bailey, that’s all fine and good but how is this relevant to me raising my child? Great question! If we want our children to be able to experience success in their social world, our kids need to be able to participate in theory of mind. An individual who can effectively participate in theory of mind will be able to perspective take and demonstrate empathy.

Finding ways to practice theory of mind with your kids is easier than you might think. For example when at the dinner table ask each other would you rather questions. My daughter came up with this doozy “Would you rather have an extra nose or an extra butt?” We each gave our answers and talked about why we chose them. Another activity you can do is, when watching a movie, a show or reading a book with the kiddos is telling your kid why a certain character is acting in a certain way or why they are feeling certain emotions. Let’s say your family is watching Moana, and you are at the part where she is facing the giant crab, Tamatoa. During that scene you can say, Moana is scared because that giant crab might eat her. You could also take this a step further and ask your kids a metacognitive question. “How do you think Moana is feeling right now?”, “Why do you think she is feeling that way?” These are metacognitive question, however they are helping our kids reflect on how someone else could be thinking in a situation. You could also ask a metacognitive question in this way “How do you think you would act if you were standing in front of a giant Crab?”

You may have read my posts about attunement and metacognition (mentioned earlier), if not you should. What you may notice is all of these skills are intricately intertwined. We can attune with our child while practicing metacognition and theory of mind. If you are asking metacognitive questions and observing how your child’s brain works, that is just more data that will help you attune to them. When we teach our children to attune to others, they are provided building blocks of having positive attachments with us (their parents) and other adults as well as their peers. What contributes to positive and healthy relationships? You guessed it theory of mind, which builds our empathy and perspective taking muscles. Attunement, metacognition, and theory of mind are contributing factors in helping our children grow into capable adults who are empathetic and have positive, meaningful relationships.

I know you just read through this whole article. Your brain may be throbbing right now. So here are the main take aways, to carry with you and incorporate when with you child:

• Theory of mind is an extension of metacognition where the individual is able to hold in mind that another person has their own thoughts, emotions, intentions, and belief systems.
• A major component of theory of mind is that others may have thoughts and feelings that are sometimes different from my own and other times the thoughts and feelings may be similar to mine. (Think about the favorite ice cream example.)
• An individual who can effectively participate in theory of mind will be able to perspective take and demonstrate empathy.
• practice theory of mind with your kids
  • Would you rather questions
  • Telling or asking your kids why movie/book characters are acting a certain way or why they are feeling a certain emotion.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this post, as I’m just trying to offer a few words of wisdom in a complex world. I hope you found it helpful or maybe you are already doing all of what I suggested, and it just feels good to feel affirmed. Parenting is hard and I am here to help. I offer parenting support services to help you in this journey called parenthood. If you would like to set up a time to chat my contact information is below.

Jennifer Bailey, LCSW & RDT

jbaileytherapyservices@gmail.com

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